Weekly Update: 12-16 April

Weekly word count: 2296

Lower than last week, but pretty good considering I got my line edits for Division back and that's going to have to be the writing priority for the next few weeks.

Still no word from Entangled about the submission of Best Face Forward.  They usually say 60 days for a response, but under the circumstances, I guess it could be more.  I've entered it in the Stiletto contest for the Contemporary Romance Writers, so fingers crossed for that.

Last week's Tarot reading was the ten of cups (joy and nostalgia) for the past, the eight of cups (breaking loose) and the Emperor reversed (immaturity).  Last week was a difficult week emotionally, I found myself looking back on my life a lot and feeling sad about the challenges I've faced.  It was discouraging to remember how I'm effectively starting over in so many ways and worrying about whether or not I'll still have a job when this quarantine eventually ends.  I'm not sure if that counts as immaturity, but an alternate reading for the reversed Emperor is instability, which would fit.

This week's Tarot draw was the five of cups for the past.  The five of cups symbolizes emotional loss and difficulty.  I drew the seven of swords for the present, which signifies craftiness and intellectual sneakiness.  And finally, the Queen of cups, reversed, which warns that emotions may be clouding my judgment.  Doesn't sound like a fun week, except for the sneakiness.  I always enjoy a good convoluted plot.

Weekly Update: April 5-11

Weekly word count: 2491 words

I got to write the poignant, breath-holding moment before the rush to the climax last week.  There's something immensely satisfying about knowing the pain and heartbreak is all temporary, that the happy ending is just around the corner.  It gives me hope when I'm facing difficult times, that maybe my happy ending is on its way.

In other matters, I turned in my first homework assignment in 20 years.  I'm out of practice for academic work, but I think I did all right.  Hopefully the teacher agrees.

Last week's Tarot reading was the ace of swords (strength in conflict), the page of cups (emotional rebirth), and the eight of coins, reversed (review your career and work).  I did a little furniture reshuffling, but I don't know if it counts as a rebirth.  On the other hand, it happened because I accepted where matters stood rather than waiting for the situation to change.  So maybe a little bit of a rebirth.

This week's reading is less optimistic.  I drew the ten of cups for the past, which indicates joy and happiness, along with a sense of completion.  For the present, I drew the eight of cups, which represents breaking loose and being aware of possibilities on the horizon.  Both of those are pretty good, but for the future, I drew the Emperor, reversed.  That position indicates a lack of maturity and preparation.

My first reaction was "I am sooo not immature" but then I thought: maybe a little immaturity isn't such a bad thing.  Being the adult all the time is exhausting.  We all need play.

Weekly Update: March 29 to April 4

Weekly Word Count: 3328

It feels very good to have the words flowing again.  I figured out the issue with the scene I was trying to write and now the plot is moving forward.  I was able to kickstart my creative brain with fanfic (Mandalorian for the curious).

My kids and I have settled into a routine.  I've still got a lot of worries and I'm trying very hard not to think about the future.  I miss my friends terribly but I'd never forgive myself if I ended up being a link in a chain that got people sick.

Last week's Tarot reading had Temperance (moderation) for the past, the nine of coins (self-reliance) for the present and the ten of wands (burden of success) for the future.  Last week worked because I didn't try to push myself to do too much (moderation), I made certain that I could take care of what needed to be done (self-reliance), and then I found myself managing on my own (the burden of success).  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it seems to fit.

This week's reading is the ace of swords for the past, which advises strength in conflict and the beginning of an intellectual enterprise.  The present was the page of cups, which symbolizes emotional rebirth.  And for the future, I drew the eight of coins, reversed, which advises the card reader to review their career and chosen work.  That last one is not reassuring for someone who has been laid off from their day job.  Since I work for a small company, one of the unpleasant realities I have to think about is that the company owner may decide not to restart it once the threat of the pandemic is over.

I started my online human resource management course last week, which matches with the ace of swords.  Since it was already set up, my employer said I could go ahead with it even though I've been laid off.  I'd planned to gradually earn my credentials over the next few years, but maybe I should consider a more accelerated program.  I won't make any decisions now.  The situation is still too fluid and unpredictable.

I've been struggling, but things seem much clearer now.  I feel more capable of dealing with what the future is throwing at me.  So maybe that's my emotional rebirth.

Either way, at least I'm writing again.

Weekly Update: March 22 to 28

No writing last week but I did get Division finished and sent in for line edits.

I tried writing but was having real trouble.  I wasn't sure if it was due to a plot problem, stress or the distraction of having the kids home and having to serve as homeschool teacher, not to mention trying to do some day job work each day.

I did my usual check to see if the issue is with a project or with me.  I tried some fanfic writing and I was having a lot more trouble than usual with that, too.  Which tells me that I need to be gentle with myself and recognize the difficulties I'm having.

On Friday, I got my official lay off due to lack of work (in turn due to the necessity of socially isolating).  So the day job is gone until we're not having to restrict ourselves at home any more.  Very relieved to be in Canada, where the government is giving decent support to those of us facing this situation.

I didn't do a tarot draw last week, but I did one for this week.  I drew Temperance for the past, which indicates moderation and blending.  For the present, I drew the nine of coins which indicates self-reliance and financial security.  (Side note: I was going to be the nine of coins in a living tarot deck photoshoot that a friend of mine was putting together.  I had a costume all ready and everything.  But the shoot never happened and neither did the deck.  Ah well, opportunity lost.)  Back to this week's draw.  The future was the ten of staffs, the burden of success.

There has certainly been a lot of blending over the last week, trying to balance different roles in my life, the needs of my family and those of greater society, and the challenge of having four people stuck in a house together day in and day out.  I'm choosing to be a little reassured by the nine of coins, because I'm not feeling particularly financially secure right now.  And the ten of staffs makes sense as well, since part of the challenge right now is that fact that I have been able to do a lot of things with very little support and now people are expecting that I can continue to do it, when I don't know if I can.

I guess we'll find out.

Weekly Update: March 8 to 14 (COVID)

Weekly word count: 1735
Editing countdown: 38 chapters done, 10 to go, 2 weeks left to deadline.

I'm hoping to get Division done for line editing at the end of this week.  However, I'm going to have two kids home instead of at their March Break camps, so we'll see how that actually works out.

I keep telling myself that I'm not worried about the COVID pandemic.  Canada's got a pretty strong pandemic response and we're acting quickly to contain it.  I agree with statements like: if this ends up being no big deal and looking like we've overreacted, then we've done our job.  So I'm in favour of the measures taken.

That said, I'm finding it hard to keep my primal brain from getting into OMG territory.  I went to pick up groceries and found myself having a visceral reaction to the empty shelves.  I know there are more groceries arriving soon and there's no risk of a shortage (aside from perhaps the start of this week), but there's something about seeing those gaps that makes the back part of my brain start shouting.  And it's not fun to have to keep reminding myself that this is not a panic-necessary situation.  (In case you're curious, this is why so many of my characters have internal brain vs brain struggles.)

Fear is good.  Fear alerts you to a risk and give you the awareness and impetus to protect yourself.  Panic is not good.  (Though there is a theory that panic evolved as a last-ditch brainstorming method.  If you're in an about-to-die situation, then you might as well try anything because there's nothing to lose.  But we're not in an about-to-die situation.)

Last week's Tarot reading was the Chariot (balance), the seven of wands (hold firm), and the six of cups reversed (living in the past).  I'd pointed out that I have any number of ongoing situations which require me to find the balancing point between priorities and responsibilities.  And I'm stubborn, so holding firm is my jam.  But I didn't quite figure out what the living in the past card meant.  If it had been the Tower, then that would indicate a dramatic shift in the environment, but the six of cups is more about nostalgia and looking backwards instead of paying attention to what's in front of you.

This week's reading was the Devil reversed for the past.  That usually indicates a need for freedom, to break loose from the self-imposed restrictions holding you back.  For the present, I drew the Queen of Wands, reversed.  She could indicate a person working against my career ambitions, or be a warning against inflexibility.  The last card was the ace of coins for the future, a new venture/business or a material windfall.

Since I also have the Devil, I'm going to guess that the Queen is warning against inflexibility instead of indicating a person.  That would make sense in terms of consistency.  Coins deal with the physical world: housing and finances mostly.  So the ace is predicting a start of something unexpected financially.  Maybe my lotto ticket is about to pay off.

Hey, a girl can dream.

Weekly Update: March 1 to 7

Weekly Word Count: 4725

Editing Countdown: 26 chapters done, 3 weeks to go

It’s been a pretty productive week writing wise, though I need to keep reminding myself that this is not a sustainable model.  I’ve been using my regular weekday writing time to move forward on Until Proven Guilty.  I’ve set myself a fairly gentle word count goal of 2500 words per week, and thus far, I’ve been able to do that.

I’m editing in the evening after the kids have gone to bed, though I’ve needed to use one or two weekday writing spots when I’ve needed to substantially rework a scene.  This means I’m going to bed later than I usually would and I’m having a harder time falling asleep because I’m not having my usual “coax my brain to zone out” time in the evenings.  However, this will be something I can recover from once Division goes to the editor for line edits.

In the past, I’ve told myself that I should have a word count goal of 5000 words from my weekday spots and that I should also be trying to write 500 words on a secondary project at least 3 times in the week.  (With the somewhat arrogant assumption from my inner perfectionist, that I could do 500 words in the evening 7 days a week, if I wasn’t being so lazy.  I have words for that part of my brain, but they’re mostly profanities so I won’t repeat them here.)

I can’t do that.  I can manage to push myself for a short period but then I need a gap of no writing to recover and I end up further behind than if I’d just stuck to more moderate goals to begin with.  So I’ll use it when I’m coming up on a deadline, but otherwise, I’m trying to be better about saying “it’s okay if this is what you can do” to myself.

Last week’s Tarot reading was the nine of Swords, reversed (nightmares/depression), the Hanging Man reversed (end of limbo), and the four of coins reversed (money problems).  I speculated it might have something to do with my statement from Soul Mate Publishing coming in.  And it certainly does fit the first two.  I’ve had a lot of anxiety, wondering what my first three months of sales were like (and I’m always expecting the worst).  Receiving the report that details the number of sales and borrows from KU put an end to that.  For better or for worse, I know how it went now.  And for the record, it actually did fairly decently, compared to my other most recent releases.  However, it doesn’t quite fit the “money problems” prediction.  Granted, it would be an issue if I was planning to live on those royalties, but that’s never been the plan.

The other part of my life that had an end to limbo was me being accepted for a graduate program at college.  My work has asked me to get my Human Resources Management certification, and as part of that, I need to go back to school.  However, I don’t think that one fits very well since I haven’t been anxious about it and work is covering the expenses.

This week’s Tarot reading began with the Chariot for the past.  The card shows a cart being drawn by two horses, each pulling in a slightly different direction.  The Chariot is all about finding a middle road and a balance between powerful opposing forces or important personal goals. For the present, I drew the seven of Wands.  It indicates that there are forces attacking my position but that I have the high ground and should hold firm in the face of challenge.  I call it the “nevertheless, she persisted” card, for my own amusement.  For the future, I drew the six of Cups, reversed, which suggests an unhealthy nostalgia or someone who is focused on the past to the detriment of the future.

There are plenty of aspects of my life which would qualify as a balancing act between opposing forces and desires, so that doesn’t narrow anything down.  There are also plenty of situations where I am fighting against what feels like entrenched forces.  The living in the past card is the most interesting one in this spread, in my opinion.  Like most people, I can find myself stuck in a loop of past mistakes, or be frustrated in how things haven’t worked out the way I’d hoped.  Does that count as living in the past?  I’m not sure.  I guess I’ll see what happens this week and see if it gives any insight.

Weekly Update: February 23 to 29

Weekly word count: 1103
Editing countdown: first pass complete, 15 of 48 chapters done with second pass

If I can keep up this pace for editing, I'll have Division ready before my deadline.

It's been a tiring week.  Perhaps last week's Tarot draw was more of a warning about needing to take a break than a caution about the dangers of escapism.  I didn't push myself but I'm still proud of what I accomplished.

The RWA candidates have declared and I'm pleased to see lots of strong voices in support of diversity running.  There are a few candidates that I'm worried about, since they've been dismissive or have a habit of tone-policing.  But the vast majority seem eager to make RWA into the supportive organization it always should have been.  Fingers crossed that this puts us firmly on the right track.  Voting begins in two weeks and then we'll see what we have.

This week's Tarot draw was a new message.  I drew the Nine of Swords, reversed, for the past which traditionally signifies depression (not a big surprise for me since I've struggled with it all my life).  For the present, I drew The Hanged Man, reversed, which suggests a major change to a long-standing situation.  For the future, it was the Four of Coins, reversed, which usually indicates money trouble.

I should be getting my first royalty statement from Soul Mate Publishing soon.  It'll be the first time I'll be dependent on a publisher to receive payment, so that's a change to a long-standing situation.  Hopefully it won't spark money troubles.  Of course, I'm often wrong when I try to guess what the readings mean in advance.  Still, I think it's part of the fun of doing readings.  It's an opportunity to stretch my speculative and imaginative talents.

Weekly Update: February 16-22 (More RWA Updates - The Audit Report)

Weekly word count: 2731
Editing countdown: 39 chapters done for first pass through, 4 weeks to go

Let's start with the big news.  The auditor's report on what happened with the Tisdale/Davis complaint that launched the RWA shitstorm was released this week.  One of the reasons why I hung on to my RWA membership was that I wanted to see the report.  I wasn't sure it would be released to the public or restricted to members.  I've gone through the whole thing (The report itself is 58 pages, plus hefty appendices) but the law firm summarized their findings as follows:

- RWA members don't know what's actually in the Code of Ethics, including those serving on the Ethics Committee
- the Code of Ethics has been updated on an ad hoc basis, which has allowed for contradictory provisions
- the Ethics Committee failed to report on what interpretation and evidence they used to reach their conclusion
- the Board was not given the evidence and was told that they needed to accept the Ethics Committee's report or they were stating that they had no trust in the committee or its role.  They were asked to judge based on analogies that were misrepresentative, rather than the actual evidence.
- The law firm concluded that there was not evidence of personal bias against Courtney but rather a complete failure to understand and follow policy and procedures, as well as inherent flaws within those policies and procedures.

If RWA had been following their own policies, this is what should have happened:

- When Tisdale and Davis filed their initial complaints, they should have been required to submit documentation about their claims of lost business.  They also should have been advised that an ethics complaint was not the appropriate venue and told that if they wanted to pursue this, they should do so through the legal system, not RWA.  (The Code of Ethics specifically puts social media as exempt from ethics complaints, but there is a category of "invidious discrimination" which is about defaming romance as a whole and this is apparently what was used to continue the complaint.  The contradiction is one of the flaws in policy noted in the summary.)

- If it had gone through, the Ethics Committee should have asked for advice as to what the definition of "invidious discrimination" was.  They apparently pulled a definition from the Internet which was not accurate.  Invidious discrimination is a legal term with a specific definition, and if the complaint had been evaluated by that definition, it would have been clear that the complaint did not apply.

- Carol Ritter and Damon Suede were required to sign non-disclosure agreements to preserve the confidentiality of the Ethics Committee.  They interpreted these NDAs to mean that they were not able to speak to the Board of Directors about the specifics of the complaint, including the evidence presented by Tisdale and Davis.  The NDA should not have been drafted without the help of legal counsel, who also should have been clear as to the limitations. 

- Due to their interpretation of the NDA, when it came time to present the Ethics Committee's report and recommendation to the RWA Board of Directors, the only information they were given was vague generalizations and analogies, including an analogy that what Courtney had done was the equivalent of sexual harassment and creating a hostile workplace.  The Board was then told that they were not able to ask for more information without violating the confidentiality of the Ethics Committee or sending a message of distrust.  Both of these requirements are false, the Board was required as part of their duty to personally examine the evidence and determine if the recommendation was appropriate.  To blindly rely on the Ethics Committee is to give them a greater role than policy allows and creates the possibility of misuse and personal vendettas without any accountability.

Even if everything else had failed, when the Board saw the evidence, they would have been able to correct the Ethics Committee's error.  Introducing an additional interpretation to asking for more information created a subtle level of coercion to accept.  The Board could no longer judge the report strictly on its merits but were required to also consider the feelings and professional response of the Ethics Committee.

In other words, this was a full on failure of procedure due to misinterpretation, ignorance and inexperience.  And yes, I do believe that racism played a part, but if the Board or the Ethics Committee had properly understood their roles and the procedures, they could have stopped it.  (Not to place the blame solely on the Board, it's important to remember that this is the result of Tisdale and Davis making false claims in support of a racist acquisitions editor (Sue Grimshaw) and to defend a book with harmful, racist stereotypes.)  I think (and this is just my own interpretation) that while there may not have been direct evidence of personal discrimination in how the complaint was handled, it is suspicious that the three people most responsible for pushing this complaint through (Allison Kelley, Damon Suede and Carol Ritter) all seem to have disliked Courtney and had butted heads with her on previous occasions.

This complaint and the consequences were the result of people getting offended because an individual expressed her opinion on problems with a book and another individual and did so using profanity.  She was one of many people expressing concerns, including the then-President Elect of RWA, Carolyn Jewel.  Couirtney was targeted unfairly and procedure was weaponized against her.  That should not have been possible and frankly, RWA deserves the condemnation that has resulted from this disgraceful mess.

I am now waiting to vote in the March special election and see who is elected to the new Board of Directors and what direction they take.  If they choose to make RWA a place which does not tolerate bigotry and prejudice, then I will remain a member.  If the result is a wishy-washy "I'm sorry if I offended any special snowflakes" approach, then I'll be done.

I'm sure there will be more fallout.  From what I can see, the auditors did a thorough job and anyone familiar with legalese will see the "OMG this was awful" subtext throughout the report.  From what the report says, I believe that there was not a malicious, over-arching conspiracy.  Unconscious racism and personal bias, absolutely yes, but not a conspiracy.  That's good news, because you can't fight a malicious conspiracy, but you can ensure that opportunists don't have the chance to pursue personal vendettas within an organization.

So that's where things stand for now.  Moving back to the personal side, I had something very strange happen.  I drew the exact same cards for this week's Tarot as last week's Tarot, but in a slightly different order.

Last week, I drew the King of Swords, reversed, the Page of Cups, reversed, and the Four of Swords.  Injustice, escapism, and recharging.  This week I drew the King of Swords, reversed, the Four of Swords, and the Page of Cups, reversed.  (And before anyone asks, I do a very thorough shuffle between draws.)  I've never drawn the same cards twice in a row before.

The King of Swords, reversed, indicates injustice, unfairness, and intimidation.  A situation where a decision has gone against the individual.  The Page of Cups, reversed talks about concern for a child, lack of discipline causing difficulties, and wasting time and energy on pipe dreams.  The Four of Swords indicates that it is time to take a break and reevaluate, getting some distance from one's regular routine, and can indicate a medical issue that requires a stay in a hospital.

Between the three of them, it's not an optimistic draw.  The King of Swords staying consistently in the past indicates the injustice has already happened.  The Page of Cups and Four of Swords suggests that I've been wasting time on something and need a break.  Cups generally refer to emotions and swords refer to the intellect.  This draw would actually work perfectly for the RWA situation, there was an injustice against Courtney, we've wasted a lot of time with denials and obfuscation and a refusal to admit what happened, and there are certainly a large number of members who are walking away to re-evaluate what to do next.

Too much for me.  I'm going to continue to focus on my writing (which I refuse to consider a waste of time).

Weekly Update: Feb 9-15

Weekly word count: 4352
Editing countdown: halfway through first pass, 5 weeks to go

On Monday, I sent off my synopsis and first three chapters of Best Face Forward to Harlequin.  Fingers crossed.  I still have a couple of other options available if they decide they don't like it, but I'm hoping they do.

With the rotating strikes for elementary teachers in Ontario, my youngest ended up with only two days of school last week, and three this week.  I support the teachers and respect them for standing up to the devastating cuts that the provincial government is trying to push through.  But it has made for slower than usual progress.

Last week, I drew the Lovers, the King of Cups and the Chariot.  Together, they warned of a crucial decision and being pulled in opposite directions by irreconcilable forces.  I think I understand it a little better now.  The people who usually help me with my kids and household are away for the next month.  I am being pulled between making sure my kids have fun experiences, keeping the house habitable, editing Division, writing Until Proven Guilty, and trying to take care of myself.  Trying to do it all is an illusion that guarantees it will all fail.  So I'm having to pick and choose, without letting anything far too fall.

This week, I drew the King of Swords, reversed, for the past.  While the Kings generally represent good news or opportunities, in the reverse position that's not entirely true.  In this position, it usually indicates someone who is trying to manipulate the situation to their own advantage.  For the present, I had the Page of Cups, also reversed.  There are a couple of meanings for this card.  It could indicate problems with a child, or being fooled by an illusion, or being caught in escapism.  For the future, I drew the Four of Swords, which advises rest, meditation and recharging ones own batteries before venturing back into the fray.

Taking time for oneself is almost always good advice.  It's one that often gets left behind in all the other priorities.  And if I'm distracted by wishful thinking while someone is plotting against me, well, I trust myself to deal with that when it comes to light.  Or maybe the escapism is part of the recharging the batteries.  A steady diet of reality can be depressing.

Weekly Update: Feb 2 to 8 (updated RWA statement)

Weekly word count: 3 314

I've been mostly working on edits for Division this week, but there's still some progress for Until Proven Guilty.  My next deadline is the end of March, when I need to have Division ready for the line editing process.

I've also been reading and listening to the accounts of those who have left RWA in the last month.  A lot of them are people and authors whom I greatly respect and the stories they're sharing are troubling.  Attempts to raise awareness of the diverse origins of RWA and the romance genre blocked.  Constantly having to cover the same points over and over again: that white privilege does not mean white people have not struggled (only that they have not faced an additional barrier based on the colour of their skin), that complaints which focus on a speaker not being nice instead of the substance of their words are tone policing, that authors of colour or disability or LGBTQIA+ should not be placed in separate but equal categories for awards and that there are many talented authors who are not getting fairly judged because they or their characters are marginalized.

It sounds exhausting and greatly underscores the fact that many of those who have left have spent a lot of time and effort trying to fix a system that has resisted them at every turn.  So I can understand the choice of saying "That's it, I'm done" and I respect that.  I believe that if they had believed there was any chance of improvement, these individuals would still be in the trenches.

I am choosing to stay in RWA for now, despite the fact that I am deeply troubled by what I'm hearing.  The main reason that I am staying is that I want to hear the audit results.  I'm no longer particularly hopeful that RWA will be able to continue as a trade organization and advocacy group.

Part of me wants to believe that the resistance is pure backlash, the last dying gasp of institutional racism and a small number of bigots who know they are on shaky ground and about to fall.  However, it's hard to believe that in a world where spewers of hate get elected and are praised for their attacks on minority groups.  Realizing just how deep the hatred goes is very unsettling for me and makes me feel very small and vulnerable.  (And I'm not the main target, so I imagine it is much worse for those who are visible minorities.)

I do not and will not support institutions that protect and support hatred and exclusion.

Moving on to better news, we had Kerri Buckley from Carina Press speak to ORWA this weekend and I had the chance to pitch Best Face Forward to her.  It wasn't what she was looking for but she asked for a synopsis and three chapters to send to Harlequin Special Edition.

I did a Tarot draw before leaving to pitch and I drew the Knight of Coins, which is a card indicating slow and steady progress and an incipient breakthrough.  Fingers crossed it turns out to be prophetic.

Last week's draw was the five of cups (loss and grief), the five of coins (poverty) and the six of swords (brighter days ahead).  It was an expensive week paying for my son's braces and my other son's summer camps.  But not enough to shove us into the poor house.

This week's draw pulled the Lovers for the past.  The Lovers indicates a significant decision was made, one with major implications.  Next was the King of Cups for the present, which usually indicates someone who gives emotionally important and relevant advice.  The future was the the Chariot, suggesting a difficult time dealing with opposing forces and a struggle to maintain balance.

Two major Arcana in one draw suggests it's going to be a memorable or significant week.  Guess we'll find out.

Weekly Update: January 26 to Feb 1

Weekly word count: 10 816 (9489 of which were from Sunday and Monday of my writing long weekend.)

Some good progress on Until Proven Guilty.  I'm halfway/two-thirds through my storyline and the beginning is still relatively stable, so I haven't had to go back and bulk rewrite.  Usually I have to do one major pruning for each third of the book.  I'll still have to do it because I've yet to have a book where I didn't, but I'm pleased with what I've done.  With a little luck and persistence, I might have the draft ready for polishing in another couple of months.

I got my developmental edits back for Division.  Lots of good suggestions and the editor liked my sense of humor, which is always a big whew.  One of the big challenges is weaving in enough backstory that new readers can get what's happening while not boring those who started with book one of the series.

And I'm working on my pitch and polish for Best Face Forward.  I'll have a chance to chat with an editor from Carina next weekend, so hopefully, she'll find the concept interesting enough to take a closer look at.

It's a lot to try and juggle, but I know what I can and can't do.  As much as I've enjoyed being an indie author, I need to start having someone to share the costs of producing a book.  A girl can also dream of help with promotion, but that's a bit of a pipe dream for genre fiction these days.

Last week's Tarot reading was the Devil (restrictions), the four of wands (refuge), and the seven of wands (stand your ground).  I've been holding firm on a number of fronts and despite a bout of self-doubt and pessimistic thinking, I continue to do so.  

This week's reading drew the five of cups for the past, which usually symbolizes deep and painful loss, sometimes depression.  For the present, I drew the five of coins, which indicates a lack of resources, usually being deprived of home and money.  Those two are not a great combination, but are probably accurate enough.  I've struggled with depression for my entire life and it's been difficult over this last week and month.  And although I work very hard at both writing and my day job, the truth is that I don't make enough money to support my family with either, if I was solely responsible.  But for the future, I drew the six of swords, which predicts long-awaited movement and brighter days ahead.

Fingers crossed that last one comes true.  Or maybe not, since that makes it hard to type.  :)

Weekly Update and Tarot: January 19 to 25

Weekly word count: 12 204

Boom.  <mic drop>

Of course, 9516 of those words were written on Friday and Saturday, during my mini writer's retreat, a.k.a. me cashing in my points for a 4 day weekend at a hotel.

I try to do 2-3 writing retreats every year because they make a huge difference in my productivity.  Without the distractions of life (family and paid work), it turns out that I can be amazingly productive in writing.  I wouldn't want to choose to live without my family and I rather like being able to pay my mortgage and buy groceries, so I don't think I'll be saying good-bye to the day job any time soon (plus, I actually like my coworkers and my office).  But it would be pretty cool if I could devote 6 hours a day to writing most weekdays.

I think sometimes parents (especially moms) are put in a difficult position.  There can be a lot of judgment and there's an expectation that the role of parent supersedes any personal dreams or goals.  I actually agree with that.  I think that if someone chooses to be a parent, then that is a verb, not a noun and they need to consider their children as well as themselves.  (This doesn't mean giving everything up for them, or sticking with conventional gender roles.)  However, I don't agree that expressing a desire to fulfill a personal dream is the same as saying that a parent wishes they hadn't had children or that their children are holding them back.  It's expressing a part of themselves that is separate from their obligations to their family.

Someone can be both grateful for having children in their lives and express wistful wishes about paths not taken.  They can love their kids and still need time away.

Going home after a writing retreat is like being plunged back in the deep end of the pool.  There's no bottom and the work to stay afloat begins immediately.  I can get used to it and find time to carve out for myself, but it's not the same as lounging in the shallows and enjoying the sun.  (I may need to take a vacation somewhere warm to counteract the Canadian winter.)

Last week's Tarot cards were the page of Coins, reversed (missed clause), the five of wands reversed (setbacks), and the Fool reversed (unprepared).  Thus far, no overlooked paragraphs in legal documents have come forward to trip me up (knocking on wood because I'm superstitious that way).  Maybe I'll find out later, but for now, I'll hope that I avoided unpleasantness by being careful.  Frankly, it's always good advice to make sure you truly understand the implications of any contract that you sign.

This week's past card was a major arcana, the Devil.  It's usually depicted as a treasure anchored in place with people trying to haul it to an exit.  If they let go, they could walk away at any time and be free, but because the insist on holding on, they are trapped.  (I've seen decks where this card was depicted as an anchor, which I think might be more symbolically appropriate.)  The present card is the four of wands, a time of refuge and recharging.  The four wands hold up the corners of a structure, providing safety and sanctuary for those within.  The future card is the seven of wands, usually showing someone defending the high ground against attack.  The message is to stand firm, that while the individual is under siege, they actually hold the advantage.

So I have one card telling me to let go and one telling me to stand my ground, with a pause in between.  More accurately, they are saying that I have failed to let go when it would have been helpful in the past, but that I should be prepared to defend my position in the future.  That's probably fair, since I have trouble with change and tend to believe I can fix things rather than discarding them.  So I'll be on the lookout for any high ground that I happen to be standing on.

Weekly Update: January 12-18

Weekly word count: 2595

Not much to share this week.  The RWA stuff seems to be getting quieter (except for microaggressions/shouting on the published author boards).  They've put out a call to see who is interested in serving as a Board member/President.

I qualify to volunteer as a Board member, but not as President.  But, to be honest, I'm hesitant to put my name in the ring.  I've pulled back from my volunteering at ORWA because I was finding it stressful.  I don't know that I want to jump into the national level, especially given how difficult it's likely to be.

And yet, I feel guilty for not stepping up, because I do care about making changes and making RWA free of discrimination.  If I can, shouldn't I?  I'll have to do some thinking about it.

This week's Tarot reading was the Page of Coins, reversed, for the past, the five of Staffs, reversed, for the present, and The Fool, reversed, for the future.  All reversed cards, which is always somewhat ominous.  The reversed Page of Coins usually points to a missed clause in a contract or bureaucracy, something that has been overlooked but is going to come back and bite those involved.  The reversed five of Staffs suggests a time of setbacks and being overwhelmed.  And in its reversed position, The Fool is not a card of optimistic trust.  Instead it warns of being unprepared.

Doesn't look like a good week for me, but maybe it's just a warning to be cautious going forward.  The missed clause one causes my legal-minded pessimistic brain to go into overdrive.  There are a number of actual contracts that I depend on these days, not to mention the unwritten social contracts that I sometimes mess up on because I'm not good at understanding what's happening in social situations.

Maybe I'll just put my head down and write.

Weekly Update: December 15-21

Weekly word count: 3521

It was a sad week for me this week.  I lost my grande dame matriarch kitty, Ceili.  At 18-19 years old (we weren't quite sure since she came to us as a stray), she had a good life.  She was with me before I had children, the first pet we got jointly as a couple.  She was always determined and dignified.  I'm going to miss her.

Writing wise, I needed a little jump start to my story, so I set myself some short goals and then got to play with some Mandalorian fan-fiction.  (Damaged past, hidden face, single dad, kick-ass nobility of soul... of course that was going to be a fan-fiction playground for me.)  It's worked to get the words flowing again, which makes me happy.

Last week's Tarot reading wasn't encouraging: the six of staffs reversed (humiliation), knight of coins reversed (apathy), and the Hierophant reversed (too rigid).  It certainly has been hard to keep myself going.  I'm feeling drained and I get easily exhausted.  But rather than pushing myself past the point of recovering and beating myself up for not accomplishing more, I've been gentle with myself.

This week's reading is a little more promising.  For the past, the ten of staffs, which is all about recognizing limits.  I've certainly spent the past week being very aware of what I can and can't do.  For the present, the Judgment card, reversed, which promises unexpected consequences for past decisions.  And for the future, the Page of staffs, which promises quick action and daring vitality.  Sounds like the holidays will bring some challenges that will require fast reactions.

I'm taking this week off social media (part of recognizing my limits).  I hope everyone has a good holiday and looking forward to getting started again in the new year!

Weekly Update: December 8-15

Weekly word count: 1500

Not the most promising start but I've been sick along with my kids.  It's been a week of cuddles, sickie soup (chicken noodle), and watching movies on Disney Plus.

Last week's reading was the King of Wands (leadership), seven of coins (persistance), and the ace of wands (a new project).  I can't say I started any new projects, and a week of TV watching isn't exactly persisting in my chosen career, but I took care of myself and my family, which is good enough for me.

This week's reading is less optimistic.  They were all reversed cards, which is usually a warning.  The five of swords reversed, which is humiliation, the king of coins reversed (apathy), and the Hierophant reversed (rigidity).  On first glance, it looks like a warning against getting stuck in a rut.

When I lose momentum with writing, it gets hard to get it back, especially with a major disruption like the holidays coming up.  I'll have to make sure I take some proper time to get myself back on track.

Weekly Update: December 1-7

Weekly word count: 1900
Editing countdown: finished! 

That's right!  Division is finished for my final solo round of editing and is now off to beta readers and the developmental editor.  It's a big gleam of accomplishment in an otherwise difficult week.

Those who follow me on social media probably saw the announcement on Tuesday.  I found out that the hard drive which contained all of our family photos and home videos had been tossed out and recycled without offering me the opportunity to make copies of my own.  The drive had been shared and I didn't notice when it disappeared as an option off the network.  It was really hurtful and while I'm doing my best to recover what I can, it's not something that can ever truly be fixed.

Family photos have always been very precious to me.  I was very vigilant about making digital copies of all the prints I had, plus ensuring those digital copies and the digital originals were backed up in case of a catastrophic network failure.

I just never imagined that anyone would deliberately get rid of them.

I'm still struggling to manage my reaction.  As much as I want to howl and rage, it's not going to get me what needs to happen from this point forward.

Looking back, there wasn't much of a hint in the weekly Tarot reading (8 of coins, apprenticeship, 7 of staffs reversed, persist despite opposition, and the page of cups reversed, problems with a child).  That seems to have strictly focused on what was happening with my oldest son, who has had a very difficult week at school, requiring several meetings with his teachers and support staff to keep things on track.

This week's reading has another message to persist.  I drew the King of staffs, which usually symbolizes someone in a position of leadership, the seven of coins, which is to persist despite a lack of apparent progress, and the ace of staffs, which symbolizes a new life and new projects.  Since I do plan to get back to focusing on writing Until Proven Guilty this week and will be rereading Best Face Forward as the first stage of editing, I do have new projects ready to go.  The King was in the past position, suggesting an expert who was influential but is no longer in the picture.  Perhaps the editor who initially proposed Best Face Forward.

I guess I'll find out.

Weekly Update: November 24 to 30

Weekly word count: 1327
Editing countdown: 42 chapters edited

I am almost done editing Division.  I've been concentrating on that this week.  Luckily, the last few chapters have been really straightforward to edit.  I spent so long on the initial drafts that there's not much that needs to be changed, only a little tightened up.

Once Division is done, I'll be taking another look at Best Face Forward.  And continuing my work on Until Proven Guilty.  Lots of stuff to take care of.  Plus, there's some other stuff that happens in December... can't quite put my finger on what.

Last week's Tarot reading is still somewhat of a mystery to me.  I drew the 10 of coins reversed (restructuring), the 9 of cups reversed (reviewing my life), and the 4 of staffs reversed (unexpected complications).  I spent some time thinking about my life, my family and my career, but the complication came as a surprise (which seems obvious in retrospect).  I've been dealing with a thorny issue with my son's school and we found out last week that one of the staff who have been supporting him will be leaving for another job.

This week's reading began with the 8 of coins, a card of apprenticeship and learning; the 7 of staffs reversed, which advises to persist despite opposition, and the Page of Cups reversed, which signals problems with a child or escapism.  From that, I would guess that the issue at school will be ongoing.

Luckily, I am very good at being stubborn and not giving up.

Weekly Update: November 17 to 23

Weekly word count: 4009
Editing countdown: 31 chapters edited

This week was a challenge.  I set some boundaries on two difficult personal situations that have been causing me a lot of stress.  As expected, there was some pushback on that, but I'm holding firm.  Now I'll just have to wait and see what ends up happening.

However, I made some good progress.  I was hoping to have Division edited for December 1st so that I could have some time to review it before it goes to the editor, but it looks like it will take a little longer.  I'll still have it done in plenty of good time though.

Last week's Tarot spread was Temperance reversed (obsession), 2 of Wands (prepare for change) and the Page of Wands (daring action).  Overall, I took it as a time to make my stand and I think that was still the right interpretation.

This week's spread is not encouraging.  The 10 of Coins reversed, restructuring and re-examining, the 9 of Cups reversed, which encourages review and reconsideration, and the 4 of Wands, which warns of unexpected complications.  Time to hunker down.  Which should let me get my work done.

Weekly Update: November 10 to 16

Weekly word count: 4975
Editing countdown: 22 chapters edited

It's been a productive week writing-wise, especially considering that I didn't do any writing or editing on Friday.  (I knew it was going to be a creatively dead day since I had a lunchtime meeting that I knew would be emotionally draining and require some time to process after, so I pushed a little harder Monday through Thursday and then took my time to relax on Friday.)

I've really been enjoying the new seasons of New Amsterdam and 9-1-1.  For new shows, Prodigal Son and Dickinson are my current favourites.  I find it very relaxing to explore new stories (even if a large proportion of them end up being variations on police procedurals).  It's fascinating to watch different characters interact and see variations on the plots unfold.

Last week's Tarot reading was The Wheel, reversed, the 3 of Cups and the King of Swords, which I interpreted as good news coming from a person in a position of authority.  I did get some helpful legal advice from a lawyer about a family challenge I've been dealing with, but I wouldn't exactly call it celebratory news.  Still, it will hopefully allow me to move forward and with luck, this emotionally draining situation will be resolved.

This week's reading is Temperance, reversed (obsession), the 2 of Wands (preparing for change) and the Page of Wands (taking daring action).  There are certainly a number of situations in my life which require a significant amount of time and attention (though I'm not sure any of them would count as obsession).  I am working on establishing better boundaries for these situations, so that I can be less stressed about them, so maybe that's the preparing for change part.  We'll see about the daring action.

Meanwhile, it's going to be working hard on getting the edits for Division done as well as moving forward on writing Until Proven Guilty.

Weekly Update: Nov 3 to Nov 9

Weekly word count: 22 752

A very productive writers' retreat.  I even spent a day sightseeing in Charleston.  I'll have pictures in my newsletter for anyone interested.  It's always a good time hanging out with the other authors at the retreat.  They are a great group of women.

The big announcement: the project I was working on is done.

That's the good news.

The bad news is that the editor I was working on it for is no longer accepting new authors and projects.  So the home I was planning for it is no longer an option.

However, the publisher is still accepting new books, so I can still submit it generally.  And Carina Press is accepting pitches from ORWA authors in February, so I can pitch it to them as well.  Or even self-publish if that's the route I want to go.

It's disappointing, but I'm wondering if it was predicted by my cards for last week.  I had the Ace of Swords, the 3 of Coins, and the 10 of Wands.  I interpreted it as the start of a project, recognition of talents, and recognition of limits.  However, the 10 of Wands can also be interpreted as taking a pause before success.  So the path I thought was laid out is not there any more, but there are other paths available to me.

For the week starting November 10th, my cards are The Wheel Reversed (disappointment), the 3 of Cups (celebration), and the King of Swords (professional support, authority).  That certainly sounds promising for good news this week.  The Court cards (Page, Knight, Queen, and King) often refer to specific people, so it suggests that I can look forward to some help from someone at the top of their professional field this week.