Trying Something New - Audiobooks

 This week, for the first time in a very long time, I actually managed to do some writing on the second Special Investigations book.  It took just about every anti-writers-block trick in my repetoire (writing fan fiction to jumpstart my creativity, giving myself a block of several hours without my kids, outlining, brainstorming, reviewing previous chapters, etc) and it wasn't a ton of words but it was something.

But the thing I'm actually excited about is that I'm moving toward something I've wanted to do for a really long time: getting my books out in audio.

I've set up a recording booth in my closet and I've given a shot at narrating the first few chapters.  It's been more of a challenge than I expected and I thought I'd share a little bit of the process.

First, I need to shout out a big thank you to my brother-in-law, Ned, who is an incredibly talented voice actor.  He gave me some good advice on performance and setting up my own in-home studio in an affordable way.  Specifically, using duvets as anti-sound reflectors instead of having to buy fancy padded foam inserts.  And using a touch screen to scroll through the text so that there are no sounds of rustling papers and button clicking on the recording.

I got myself a microphone and blithely began recording.  I knew I had a tendency for clumsy tongue stumbling, so I knew I'd have to re-record sections regularly.  One suggestion was to make sure to leave a significant blank (3 seconds) before starting again so that the gap would be easily identifiable when editing.  That worked better than I'd expected, so I'd highly recommend it to anyone wanting to give this a try themselves.

I'd recorded ten chapters and was feeling pretty pleased with myself when I realized that I'd misread the technical requirements that Findaway needs for audio recordings.  All of my recordings were far too quiet.

O-kay.  Disappointing but not crushing.  Until I realized that my fancy new microphone's levels were maxed out.  The only way I could meet the volume requirements was to have my mouth right next to the microphone, which introduced me to the wonderful new world of plosives.

Plosives are sounds that include a rush of air (b, p, t, etc.).  Put your hand in front of your mouth and you'll feel the exhalation as you say them.  When you say them directly in front of a microphone, you get a staticy-pop from the air hitting the surface.  Incidentally, this is why most microphones have a foam cover and vocalists usually have a pop filter (a nylon screen) in front of the microphone as well.

I was caught in a bind: to get the volume I needed, I had a plosive problem.  If I used the pop filter and foam cover to reduce the plosives, the recording was too quiet.

Well, crap.  I spent weeks testing different placements and combinations.  None worked.  So I needed to find a new microphone option.

Luckily, I found one: my son's gamer headset.  I could place the microphone just below my mouth, which let the plosive rush of air pass over it instead of hitting it.  I tried recording the first two chapters again and they met the technical requirements.  Yay, success!

Next challenges: editing the chapters to send them to my beta listeners and figuring out times when it will be reliably quiet to do more recordings.  (The duvets are great at preventing echoes and closed doors do a lot to subdue household sounds, but they will not stop the sound of a couple of excited kids shouting at their screens.  Voice of experience, trust me.)

It takes me about half an hour to record a chapter.  The actual chapter is about 8-12 minutes but I end up having to repeat a lot to get a good recording.  There are 45 chapters to record in the first book, so this is going to take awhile.  I can't record more than 1-2 chapters in a day or more than 5 in a week without stressing my voice.

But it's a start.  And it's helping my mood, since I feel like I'm making progress on something career related.  There will probably be more breaks because that's how life works with depression, but I'm going to keep plowing forward.

I'm Not Okay (And That's Okay)

As may be guessed from the extended silence on this blog since March, things haven't been going well.  I'm giving myself permission to admit that I'm not okay and I haven't been okay for awhile.

My life was difficult even before the COVID pandemic hit.  I often felt as if I were standing on a slowly submerging platform, holding heavy weights of responsibilities.  There were many times when the best I felt I could hope for was that I could keep my children afloat while I slowly drowned.  I was dealing with depression, engaged in a war of attrition with my local school board to give my 16yo the supports he needed (a battle that had already lasted 5 years as of September 2019), watching my 20 year marriage dissolve and facing financial and personal insecurity, and also deal with the usual challenges of raising teenagers, paying bills, and, oh yeah, writing books.

With COVID, I suddenly found myself unemployed and trying to manage four people sharing a house (including my ex-husband, which is a whole other area of stress and challenge).  I became a teacher, a peacekeeper (in the military sense, guarding borders to keep my two kids from launching attacks on one another), a therapist, and an activities coordinator.  Almost everything that we relied on for engagement for my older son was suddenly off-limits (no bus rides, no trips to ride cool elevators, and no swimming in public pools).  My youngest was worried about the world in general and needed reassurance that this was not the beginning of the End Times while also getting recognition that his feelings were important and shouldn't be denied (my parental attempt to assure I don't pass on the requirement for a Pollyanna mask that I was required to wear as a child).

Like many people, I also found myself responsible for managing my parents.  I recently saw a meme which introduced a child as the "emotional support daughter" and that was the role I found myself in, listening to frustrations from both of them.  (I have at least learned not to attempt to provide solutions or suggestions for the most part, which often created greater conflict in the past.)  They were intensely social before the pandemic and while they recognized the seriousness of what happened, they were lonely and needed social support.

As "March Break" stretched from one week to three to the rest of the school year, I found myself becoming physically and emotionally exhausted.  My creativity crashed and I was so tired that I was often sleeping more than 14 hours a day.  I couldn't watch television or movies.  I couldn't read books.  Everything seemed impossibly difficult.

I reached out for help and began working with my doctor and a therapist to adjust my medications and thinking.  I began rewatching and rereading old favourites and discovered that much of my anxiety around consuming stories was centered around **new** stories where I didn't know what was going to happen.  With stuff I'd already seen and read, I could get the necessary mental escape but didn't have the underlying anxiety of wondering if I was going to hit something that would plunge me into a bad mental space.

I tried different creative outlets, painting and sewing.  I changed my daily meditation from sitting quietly to listening to music and letting my thoughts wander.  I wrote fan fiction, bringing me back to the fandoms and universes that I've always loved and found inspiring.

Those things all helped.  But I'm still in a fragile place and one of the biggest things I need to be careful of is my twin lifelong tendencies to refuse to admit that anything is wrong and to push ahead beyond my limits.  (Yay, history of Perfectionism!)  This post is my way of not falling into that trap.

There are a lot of things that are still wrong.  There are many days when I feel completely invisible, like a machine that runs the household rather than a person.  I desperately miss having a sense of romantic and emotional attachment with another person, of being important to someone else.  (Not to dash the hopes of any second-chance-romance fans out there, but that connection died a long time ago with me and my ex-husband.)  I am faced with the reality that I will be caring for my oldest child for the rest of my life, and given how the autism support structure has been gutted in Ontario, there is little to no chance of ever being able to live solely for myself at any time in the future.  I'm worried about money and being able support myself and my children.  I'm terrified about the state of the world and the ugliness that seems to be swallowing our hopes faster than we can ignite them.

In being open about the challenges I'm facing, I'm hoping that my readers will understand and be patient with the fact that for the foreseeable future, I will be quieter and less productive than I have been in the past.  It isn't because I don't want to share the stories which still linger in my head, because I do.  I still love my characters and their adventures.  I want them all to have their happily ever afters.

I know many of you are facing similar (and sometimes worse) challenges and are looking for your own mental escape into a world where we know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, our dreams will always win.  I don't have the same faith that we live in that world anymore, but I do still believe in creating a world where that happens.  If it needs to be fiction for now, so be it.  Maybe we'll find our way into making it real eventually.

Meanwhile, it's okay to not be okay.  It's okay to admit it.  It's okay to ask for help.  We don't need to be strong and risk breaking.  Individual strands can carry more when they're braided together.  We can all be not okay together, giving ourselves room to be angry, upset, and all the other feelings that we should feel when things aren't okay.

I'm not okay.  And if you're not okay, either, then that's okay.  Okay?

Update: June 1 to 13

I didn't track my words but I have another couple chapters done for Until Proven Guilty.  And I've been working on polishing the plot for Best Face Forward in the hopes that maybe an agent or editor will want the manuscript.  It's a weird position to be in, since the story was rejected by Entangled but also got two scores of 98/100 and 99/100 in the contest.

I'm still struggling to find time and energy to write.  But I mean that in both senses of the word.  It's harder than it usually is but I'm still trying.

Weekly Update: May 24-30 (and contest news!)

Weekly word count: 1389 words

A good week of writing for me.  I'm pleased with my progress.

But the really exciting news is that I finaled in the Stiletto Contest with my contemporary romance, Best Face Forward.  This was a big ego-boost after the story was rejected from Entangled (it was a nice rejection, but still a rejection).  The final round of the contest is judged by editors and agents, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that someone likes it.

Life is still challenging.  Here in Ontario, the schools will be closed until September and the summer camps that I would usually send my kids to are not going to be running.  I'm still trying to figure out what I'll do, though a lot will depend on whether or not my day job starts back up.  But so far, we've been managing.

Hope everyone has been able to do the same.

Update 17 April to 23 May

It's been a challenging month and I'm still working on coping with it all.  Aside from the challenges of a global quarantine: isolation, stress, an overly crowded house and a reduction in the resources me and my kids have available, there have also been more individual difficulties.

My mother in law passed a few weeks ago.  Not from COVID, but from cancer that we only learned about in April.  She and I had a complicated relationship, particularly since the split between my ex-husband and myself.  But she was my kids' grandmother and I respected her, even when she and I disagreed.

I've also been struggling with my own health issues.  My doctor and I have been trying different medications to deal with it and one of them ended up having a very bad reaction for me.  I'm still trying to recover from that.  The whole thing has left me deeply drained and exhausted, which doesn't leave me with the emotional reserves I need.  The last month has probably been the deepest I've gone into my own depression in a long time.

There's not much to be proud of in what happened but I'm proud that even though I was feeling hopeless, I reached out for help, both professional and personal.  A big thank you to Samianne for talking me down off the "I'm a talentless hack and will always be a failure" ledge.  I'm back on the more realistic side of evaluating my prospects, but I think it's important to recognize how bleak my own thoughts can get sometimes.  And also recognize that I can move past it, if I ask for help.

Things are probably going to be irregular for awhile yet.  But I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.  And I'm also doing my best to be okay with that.

I hope everyone reading this is healthy and doing the best they can under the circumstances, too.

Weekly Update: 12-16 April

Weekly word count: 2296

Lower than last week, but pretty good considering I got my line edits for Division back and that's going to have to be the writing priority for the next few weeks.

Still no word from Entangled about the submission of Best Face Forward.  They usually say 60 days for a response, but under the circumstances, I guess it could be more.  I've entered it in the Stiletto contest for the Contemporary Romance Writers, so fingers crossed for that.

Last week's Tarot reading was the ten of cups (joy and nostalgia) for the past, the eight of cups (breaking loose) and the Emperor reversed (immaturity).  Last week was a difficult week emotionally, I found myself looking back on my life a lot and feeling sad about the challenges I've faced.  It was discouraging to remember how I'm effectively starting over in so many ways and worrying about whether or not I'll still have a job when this quarantine eventually ends.  I'm not sure if that counts as immaturity, but an alternate reading for the reversed Emperor is instability, which would fit.

This week's Tarot draw was the five of cups for the past.  The five of cups symbolizes emotional loss and difficulty.  I drew the seven of swords for the present, which signifies craftiness and intellectual sneakiness.  And finally, the Queen of cups, reversed, which warns that emotions may be clouding my judgment.  Doesn't sound like a fun week, except for the sneakiness.  I always enjoy a good convoluted plot.

Weekly Update: April 5-11

Weekly word count: 2491 words

I got to write the poignant, breath-holding moment before the rush to the climax last week.  There's something immensely satisfying about knowing the pain and heartbreak is all temporary, that the happy ending is just around the corner.  It gives me hope when I'm facing difficult times, that maybe my happy ending is on its way.

In other matters, I turned in my first homework assignment in 20 years.  I'm out of practice for academic work, but I think I did all right.  Hopefully the teacher agrees.

Last week's Tarot reading was the ace of swords (strength in conflict), the page of cups (emotional rebirth), and the eight of coins, reversed (review your career and work).  I did a little furniture reshuffling, but I don't know if it counts as a rebirth.  On the other hand, it happened because I accepted where matters stood rather than waiting for the situation to change.  So maybe a little bit of a rebirth.

This week's reading is less optimistic.  I drew the ten of cups for the past, which indicates joy and happiness, along with a sense of completion.  For the present, I drew the eight of cups, which represents breaking loose and being aware of possibilities on the horizon.  Both of those are pretty good, but for the future, I drew the Emperor, reversed.  That position indicates a lack of maturity and preparation.

My first reaction was "I am sooo not immature" but then I thought: maybe a little immaturity isn't such a bad thing.  Being the adult all the time is exhausting.  We all need play.

Weekly Update: March 29 to April 4

Weekly Word Count: 3328

It feels very good to have the words flowing again.  I figured out the issue with the scene I was trying to write and now the plot is moving forward.  I was able to kickstart my creative brain with fanfic (Mandalorian for the curious).

My kids and I have settled into a routine.  I've still got a lot of worries and I'm trying very hard not to think about the future.  I miss my friends terribly but I'd never forgive myself if I ended up being a link in a chain that got people sick.

Last week's Tarot reading had Temperance (moderation) for the past, the nine of coins (self-reliance) for the present and the ten of wands (burden of success) for the future.  Last week worked because I didn't try to push myself to do too much (moderation), I made certain that I could take care of what needed to be done (self-reliance), and then I found myself managing on my own (the burden of success).  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it seems to fit.

This week's reading is the ace of swords for the past, which advises strength in conflict and the beginning of an intellectual enterprise.  The present was the page of cups, which symbolizes emotional rebirth.  And for the future, I drew the eight of coins, reversed, which advises the card reader to review their career and chosen work.  That last one is not reassuring for someone who has been laid off from their day job.  Since I work for a small company, one of the unpleasant realities I have to think about is that the company owner may decide not to restart it once the threat of the pandemic is over.

I started my online human resource management course last week, which matches with the ace of swords.  Since it was already set up, my employer said I could go ahead with it even though I've been laid off.  I'd planned to gradually earn my credentials over the next few years, but maybe I should consider a more accelerated program.  I won't make any decisions now.  The situation is still too fluid and unpredictable.

I've been struggling, but things seem much clearer now.  I feel more capable of dealing with what the future is throwing at me.  So maybe that's my emotional rebirth.

Either way, at least I'm writing again.

Weekly Update: March 22 to 28

No writing last week but I did get Division finished and sent in for line edits.

I tried writing but was having real trouble.  I wasn't sure if it was due to a plot problem, stress or the distraction of having the kids home and having to serve as homeschool teacher, not to mention trying to do some day job work each day.

I did my usual check to see if the issue is with a project or with me.  I tried some fanfic writing and I was having a lot more trouble than usual with that, too.  Which tells me that I need to be gentle with myself and recognize the difficulties I'm having.

On Friday, I got my official lay off due to lack of work (in turn due to the necessity of socially isolating).  So the day job is gone until we're not having to restrict ourselves at home any more.  Very relieved to be in Canada, where the government is giving decent support to those of us facing this situation.

I didn't do a tarot draw last week, but I did one for this week.  I drew Temperance for the past, which indicates moderation and blending.  For the present, I drew the nine of coins which indicates self-reliance and financial security.  (Side note: I was going to be the nine of coins in a living tarot deck photoshoot that a friend of mine was putting together.  I had a costume all ready and everything.  But the shoot never happened and neither did the deck.  Ah well, opportunity lost.)  Back to this week's draw.  The future was the ten of staffs, the burden of success.

There has certainly been a lot of blending over the last week, trying to balance different roles in my life, the needs of my family and those of greater society, and the challenge of having four people stuck in a house together day in and day out.  I'm choosing to be a little reassured by the nine of coins, because I'm not feeling particularly financially secure right now.  And the ten of staffs makes sense as well, since part of the challenge right now is that fact that I have been able to do a lot of things with very little support and now people are expecting that I can continue to do it, when I don't know if I can.

I guess we'll find out.

Weekly Update: March 8 to 14 (COVID)

Weekly word count: 1735
Editing countdown: 38 chapters done, 10 to go, 2 weeks left to deadline.

I'm hoping to get Division done for line editing at the end of this week.  However, I'm going to have two kids home instead of at their March Break camps, so we'll see how that actually works out.

I keep telling myself that I'm not worried about the COVID pandemic.  Canada's got a pretty strong pandemic response and we're acting quickly to contain it.  I agree with statements like: if this ends up being no big deal and looking like we've overreacted, then we've done our job.  So I'm in favour of the measures taken.

That said, I'm finding it hard to keep my primal brain from getting into OMG territory.  I went to pick up groceries and found myself having a visceral reaction to the empty shelves.  I know there are more groceries arriving soon and there's no risk of a shortage (aside from perhaps the start of this week), but there's something about seeing those gaps that makes the back part of my brain start shouting.  And it's not fun to have to keep reminding myself that this is not a panic-necessary situation.  (In case you're curious, this is why so many of my characters have internal brain vs brain struggles.)

Fear is good.  Fear alerts you to a risk and give you the awareness and impetus to protect yourself.  Panic is not good.  (Though there is a theory that panic evolved as a last-ditch brainstorming method.  If you're in an about-to-die situation, then you might as well try anything because there's nothing to lose.  But we're not in an about-to-die situation.)

Last week's Tarot reading was the Chariot (balance), the seven of wands (hold firm), and the six of cups reversed (living in the past).  I'd pointed out that I have any number of ongoing situations which require me to find the balancing point between priorities and responsibilities.  And I'm stubborn, so holding firm is my jam.  But I didn't quite figure out what the living in the past card meant.  If it had been the Tower, then that would indicate a dramatic shift in the environment, but the six of cups is more about nostalgia and looking backwards instead of paying attention to what's in front of you.

This week's reading was the Devil reversed for the past.  That usually indicates a need for freedom, to break loose from the self-imposed restrictions holding you back.  For the present, I drew the Queen of Wands, reversed.  She could indicate a person working against my career ambitions, or be a warning against inflexibility.  The last card was the ace of coins for the future, a new venture/business or a material windfall.

Since I also have the Devil, I'm going to guess that the Queen is warning against inflexibility instead of indicating a person.  That would make sense in terms of consistency.  Coins deal with the physical world: housing and finances mostly.  So the ace is predicting a start of something unexpected financially.  Maybe my lotto ticket is about to pay off.

Hey, a girl can dream.

Weekly Update: March 1 to 7

Weekly Word Count: 4725

Editing Countdown: 26 chapters done, 3 weeks to go

It’s been a pretty productive week writing wise, though I need to keep reminding myself that this is not a sustainable model.  I’ve been using my regular weekday writing time to move forward on Until Proven Guilty.  I’ve set myself a fairly gentle word count goal of 2500 words per week, and thus far, I’ve been able to do that.

I’m editing in the evening after the kids have gone to bed, though I’ve needed to use one or two weekday writing spots when I’ve needed to substantially rework a scene.  This means I’m going to bed later than I usually would and I’m having a harder time falling asleep because I’m not having my usual “coax my brain to zone out” time in the evenings.  However, this will be something I can recover from once Division goes to the editor for line edits.

In the past, I’ve told myself that I should have a word count goal of 5000 words from my weekday spots and that I should also be trying to write 500 words on a secondary project at least 3 times in the week.  (With the somewhat arrogant assumption from my inner perfectionist, that I could do 500 words in the evening 7 days a week, if I wasn’t being so lazy.  I have words for that part of my brain, but they’re mostly profanities so I won’t repeat them here.)

I can’t do that.  I can manage to push myself for a short period but then I need a gap of no writing to recover and I end up further behind than if I’d just stuck to more moderate goals to begin with.  So I’ll use it when I’m coming up on a deadline, but otherwise, I’m trying to be better about saying “it’s okay if this is what you can do” to myself.

Last week’s Tarot reading was the nine of Swords, reversed (nightmares/depression), the Hanging Man reversed (end of limbo), and the four of coins reversed (money problems).  I speculated it might have something to do with my statement from Soul Mate Publishing coming in.  And it certainly does fit the first two.  I’ve had a lot of anxiety, wondering what my first three months of sales were like (and I’m always expecting the worst).  Receiving the report that details the number of sales and borrows from KU put an end to that.  For better or for worse, I know how it went now.  And for the record, it actually did fairly decently, compared to my other most recent releases.  However, it doesn’t quite fit the “money problems” prediction.  Granted, it would be an issue if I was planning to live on those royalties, but that’s never been the plan.

The other part of my life that had an end to limbo was me being accepted for a graduate program at college.  My work has asked me to get my Human Resources Management certification, and as part of that, I need to go back to school.  However, I don’t think that one fits very well since I haven’t been anxious about it and work is covering the expenses.

This week’s Tarot reading began with the Chariot for the past.  The card shows a cart being drawn by two horses, each pulling in a slightly different direction.  The Chariot is all about finding a middle road and a balance between powerful opposing forces or important personal goals. For the present, I drew the seven of Wands.  It indicates that there are forces attacking my position but that I have the high ground and should hold firm in the face of challenge.  I call it the “nevertheless, she persisted” card, for my own amusement.  For the future, I drew the six of Cups, reversed, which suggests an unhealthy nostalgia or someone who is focused on the past to the detriment of the future.

There are plenty of aspects of my life which would qualify as a balancing act between opposing forces and desires, so that doesn’t narrow anything down.  There are also plenty of situations where I am fighting against what feels like entrenched forces.  The living in the past card is the most interesting one in this spread, in my opinion.  Like most people, I can find myself stuck in a loop of past mistakes, or be frustrated in how things haven’t worked out the way I’d hoped.  Does that count as living in the past?  I’m not sure.  I guess I’ll see what happens this week and see if it gives any insight.

Weekly Update: February 23 to 29

Weekly word count: 1103
Editing countdown: first pass complete, 15 of 48 chapters done with second pass

If I can keep up this pace for editing, I'll have Division ready before my deadline.

It's been a tiring week.  Perhaps last week's Tarot draw was more of a warning about needing to take a break than a caution about the dangers of escapism.  I didn't push myself but I'm still proud of what I accomplished.

The RWA candidates have declared and I'm pleased to see lots of strong voices in support of diversity running.  There are a few candidates that I'm worried about, since they've been dismissive or have a habit of tone-policing.  But the vast majority seem eager to make RWA into the supportive organization it always should have been.  Fingers crossed that this puts us firmly on the right track.  Voting begins in two weeks and then we'll see what we have.

This week's Tarot draw was a new message.  I drew the Nine of Swords, reversed, for the past which traditionally signifies depression (not a big surprise for me since I've struggled with it all my life).  For the present, I drew The Hanged Man, reversed, which suggests a major change to a long-standing situation.  For the future, it was the Four of Coins, reversed, which usually indicates money trouble.

I should be getting my first royalty statement from Soul Mate Publishing soon.  It'll be the first time I'll be dependent on a publisher to receive payment, so that's a change to a long-standing situation.  Hopefully it won't spark money troubles.  Of course, I'm often wrong when I try to guess what the readings mean in advance.  Still, I think it's part of the fun of doing readings.  It's an opportunity to stretch my speculative and imaginative talents.

Weekly Update: February 16-22 (More RWA Updates - The Audit Report)

Weekly word count: 2731
Editing countdown: 39 chapters done for first pass through, 4 weeks to go

Let's start with the big news.  The auditor's report on what happened with the Tisdale/Davis complaint that launched the RWA shitstorm was released this week.  One of the reasons why I hung on to my RWA membership was that I wanted to see the report.  I wasn't sure it would be released to the public or restricted to members.  I've gone through the whole thing (The report itself is 58 pages, plus hefty appendices) but the law firm summarized their findings as follows:

- RWA members don't know what's actually in the Code of Ethics, including those serving on the Ethics Committee
- the Code of Ethics has been updated on an ad hoc basis, which has allowed for contradictory provisions
- the Ethics Committee failed to report on what interpretation and evidence they used to reach their conclusion
- the Board was not given the evidence and was told that they needed to accept the Ethics Committee's report or they were stating that they had no trust in the committee or its role.  They were asked to judge based on analogies that were misrepresentative, rather than the actual evidence.
- The law firm concluded that there was not evidence of personal bias against Courtney but rather a complete failure to understand and follow policy and procedures, as well as inherent flaws within those policies and procedures.

If RWA had been following their own policies, this is what should have happened:

- When Tisdale and Davis filed their initial complaints, they should have been required to submit documentation about their claims of lost business.  They also should have been advised that an ethics complaint was not the appropriate venue and told that if they wanted to pursue this, they should do so through the legal system, not RWA.  (The Code of Ethics specifically puts social media as exempt from ethics complaints, but there is a category of "invidious discrimination" which is about defaming romance as a whole and this is apparently what was used to continue the complaint.  The contradiction is one of the flaws in policy noted in the summary.)

- If it had gone through, the Ethics Committee should have asked for advice as to what the definition of "invidious discrimination" was.  They apparently pulled a definition from the Internet which was not accurate.  Invidious discrimination is a legal term with a specific definition, and if the complaint had been evaluated by that definition, it would have been clear that the complaint did not apply.

- Carol Ritter and Damon Suede were required to sign non-disclosure agreements to preserve the confidentiality of the Ethics Committee.  They interpreted these NDAs to mean that they were not able to speak to the Board of Directors about the specifics of the complaint, including the evidence presented by Tisdale and Davis.  The NDA should not have been drafted without the help of legal counsel, who also should have been clear as to the limitations. 

- Due to their interpretation of the NDA, when it came time to present the Ethics Committee's report and recommendation to the RWA Board of Directors, the only information they were given was vague generalizations and analogies, including an analogy that what Courtney had done was the equivalent of sexual harassment and creating a hostile workplace.  The Board was then told that they were not able to ask for more information without violating the confidentiality of the Ethics Committee or sending a message of distrust.  Both of these requirements are false, the Board was required as part of their duty to personally examine the evidence and determine if the recommendation was appropriate.  To blindly rely on the Ethics Committee is to give them a greater role than policy allows and creates the possibility of misuse and personal vendettas without any accountability.

Even if everything else had failed, when the Board saw the evidence, they would have been able to correct the Ethics Committee's error.  Introducing an additional interpretation to asking for more information created a subtle level of coercion to accept.  The Board could no longer judge the report strictly on its merits but were required to also consider the feelings and professional response of the Ethics Committee.

In other words, this was a full on failure of procedure due to misinterpretation, ignorance and inexperience.  And yes, I do believe that racism played a part, but if the Board or the Ethics Committee had properly understood their roles and the procedures, they could have stopped it.  (Not to place the blame solely on the Board, it's important to remember that this is the result of Tisdale and Davis making false claims in support of a racist acquisitions editor (Sue Grimshaw) and to defend a book with harmful, racist stereotypes.)  I think (and this is just my own interpretation) that while there may not have been direct evidence of personal discrimination in how the complaint was handled, it is suspicious that the three people most responsible for pushing this complaint through (Allison Kelley, Damon Suede and Carol Ritter) all seem to have disliked Courtney and had butted heads with her on previous occasions.

This complaint and the consequences were the result of people getting offended because an individual expressed her opinion on problems with a book and another individual and did so using profanity.  She was one of many people expressing concerns, including the then-President Elect of RWA, Carolyn Jewel.  Couirtney was targeted unfairly and procedure was weaponized against her.  That should not have been possible and frankly, RWA deserves the condemnation that has resulted from this disgraceful mess.

I am now waiting to vote in the March special election and see who is elected to the new Board of Directors and what direction they take.  If they choose to make RWA a place which does not tolerate bigotry and prejudice, then I will remain a member.  If the result is a wishy-washy "I'm sorry if I offended any special snowflakes" approach, then I'll be done.

I'm sure there will be more fallout.  From what I can see, the auditors did a thorough job and anyone familiar with legalese will see the "OMG this was awful" subtext throughout the report.  From what the report says, I believe that there was not a malicious, over-arching conspiracy.  Unconscious racism and personal bias, absolutely yes, but not a conspiracy.  That's good news, because you can't fight a malicious conspiracy, but you can ensure that opportunists don't have the chance to pursue personal vendettas within an organization.

So that's where things stand for now.  Moving back to the personal side, I had something very strange happen.  I drew the exact same cards for this week's Tarot as last week's Tarot, but in a slightly different order.

Last week, I drew the King of Swords, reversed, the Page of Cups, reversed, and the Four of Swords.  Injustice, escapism, and recharging.  This week I drew the King of Swords, reversed, the Four of Swords, and the Page of Cups, reversed.  (And before anyone asks, I do a very thorough shuffle between draws.)  I've never drawn the same cards twice in a row before.

The King of Swords, reversed, indicates injustice, unfairness, and intimidation.  A situation where a decision has gone against the individual.  The Page of Cups, reversed talks about concern for a child, lack of discipline causing difficulties, and wasting time and energy on pipe dreams.  The Four of Swords indicates that it is time to take a break and reevaluate, getting some distance from one's regular routine, and can indicate a medical issue that requires a stay in a hospital.

Between the three of them, it's not an optimistic draw.  The King of Swords staying consistently in the past indicates the injustice has already happened.  The Page of Cups and Four of Swords suggests that I've been wasting time on something and need a break.  Cups generally refer to emotions and swords refer to the intellect.  This draw would actually work perfectly for the RWA situation, there was an injustice against Courtney, we've wasted a lot of time with denials and obfuscation and a refusal to admit what happened, and there are certainly a large number of members who are walking away to re-evaluate what to do next.

Too much for me.  I'm going to continue to focus on my writing (which I refuse to consider a waste of time).

Weekly Update: Feb 9-15

Weekly word count: 4352
Editing countdown: halfway through first pass, 5 weeks to go

On Monday, I sent off my synopsis and first three chapters of Best Face Forward to Harlequin.  Fingers crossed.  I still have a couple of other options available if they decide they don't like it, but I'm hoping they do.

With the rotating strikes for elementary teachers in Ontario, my youngest ended up with only two days of school last week, and three this week.  I support the teachers and respect them for standing up to the devastating cuts that the provincial government is trying to push through.  But it has made for slower than usual progress.

Last week, I drew the Lovers, the King of Cups and the Chariot.  Together, they warned of a crucial decision and being pulled in opposite directions by irreconcilable forces.  I think I understand it a little better now.  The people who usually help me with my kids and household are away for the next month.  I am being pulled between making sure my kids have fun experiences, keeping the house habitable, editing Division, writing Until Proven Guilty, and trying to take care of myself.  Trying to do it all is an illusion that guarantees it will all fail.  So I'm having to pick and choose, without letting anything far too fall.

This week, I drew the King of Swords, reversed, for the past.  While the Kings generally represent good news or opportunities, in the reverse position that's not entirely true.  In this position, it usually indicates someone who is trying to manipulate the situation to their own advantage.  For the present, I had the Page of Cups, also reversed.  There are a couple of meanings for this card.  It could indicate problems with a child, or being fooled by an illusion, or being caught in escapism.  For the future, I drew the Four of Swords, which advises rest, meditation and recharging ones own batteries before venturing back into the fray.

Taking time for oneself is almost always good advice.  It's one that often gets left behind in all the other priorities.  And if I'm distracted by wishful thinking while someone is plotting against me, well, I trust myself to deal with that when it comes to light.  Or maybe the escapism is part of the recharging the batteries.  A steady diet of reality can be depressing.

Weekly Update: Feb 2 to 8 (updated RWA statement)

Weekly word count: 3 314

I've been mostly working on edits for Division this week, but there's still some progress for Until Proven Guilty.  My next deadline is the end of March, when I need to have Division ready for the line editing process.

I've also been reading and listening to the accounts of those who have left RWA in the last month.  A lot of them are people and authors whom I greatly respect and the stories they're sharing are troubling.  Attempts to raise awareness of the diverse origins of RWA and the romance genre blocked.  Constantly having to cover the same points over and over again: that white privilege does not mean white people have not struggled (only that they have not faced an additional barrier based on the colour of their skin), that complaints which focus on a speaker not being nice instead of the substance of their words are tone policing, that authors of colour or disability or LGBTQIA+ should not be placed in separate but equal categories for awards and that there are many talented authors who are not getting fairly judged because they or their characters are marginalized.

It sounds exhausting and greatly underscores the fact that many of those who have left have spent a lot of time and effort trying to fix a system that has resisted them at every turn.  So I can understand the choice of saying "That's it, I'm done" and I respect that.  I believe that if they had believed there was any chance of improvement, these individuals would still be in the trenches.

I am choosing to stay in RWA for now, despite the fact that I am deeply troubled by what I'm hearing.  The main reason that I am staying is that I want to hear the audit results.  I'm no longer particularly hopeful that RWA will be able to continue as a trade organization and advocacy group.

Part of me wants to believe that the resistance is pure backlash, the last dying gasp of institutional racism and a small number of bigots who know they are on shaky ground and about to fall.  However, it's hard to believe that in a world where spewers of hate get elected and are praised for their attacks on minority groups.  Realizing just how deep the hatred goes is very unsettling for me and makes me feel very small and vulnerable.  (And I'm not the main target, so I imagine it is much worse for those who are visible minorities.)

I do not and will not support institutions that protect and support hatred and exclusion.

Moving on to better news, we had Kerri Buckley from Carina Press speak to ORWA this weekend and I had the chance to pitch Best Face Forward to her.  It wasn't what she was looking for but she asked for a synopsis and three chapters to send to Harlequin Special Edition.

I did a Tarot draw before leaving to pitch and I drew the Knight of Coins, which is a card indicating slow and steady progress and an incipient breakthrough.  Fingers crossed it turns out to be prophetic.

Last week's draw was the five of cups (loss and grief), the five of coins (poverty) and the six of swords (brighter days ahead).  It was an expensive week paying for my son's braces and my other son's summer camps.  But not enough to shove us into the poor house.

This week's draw pulled the Lovers for the past.  The Lovers indicates a significant decision was made, one with major implications.  Next was the King of Cups for the present, which usually indicates someone who gives emotionally important and relevant advice.  The future was the the Chariot, suggesting a difficult time dealing with opposing forces and a struggle to maintain balance.

Two major Arcana in one draw suggests it's going to be a memorable or significant week.  Guess we'll find out.

Weekly Update: January 26 to Feb 1

Weekly word count: 10 816 (9489 of which were from Sunday and Monday of my writing long weekend.)

Some good progress on Until Proven Guilty.  I'm halfway/two-thirds through my storyline and the beginning is still relatively stable, so I haven't had to go back and bulk rewrite.  Usually I have to do one major pruning for each third of the book.  I'll still have to do it because I've yet to have a book where I didn't, but I'm pleased with what I've done.  With a little luck and persistence, I might have the draft ready for polishing in another couple of months.

I got my developmental edits back for Division.  Lots of good suggestions and the editor liked my sense of humor, which is always a big whew.  One of the big challenges is weaving in enough backstory that new readers can get what's happening while not boring those who started with book one of the series.

And I'm working on my pitch and polish for Best Face Forward.  I'll have a chance to chat with an editor from Carina next weekend, so hopefully, she'll find the concept interesting enough to take a closer look at.

It's a lot to try and juggle, but I know what I can and can't do.  As much as I've enjoyed being an indie author, I need to start having someone to share the costs of producing a book.  A girl can also dream of help with promotion, but that's a bit of a pipe dream for genre fiction these days.

Last week's Tarot reading was the Devil (restrictions), the four of wands (refuge), and the seven of wands (stand your ground).  I've been holding firm on a number of fronts and despite a bout of self-doubt and pessimistic thinking, I continue to do so.  

This week's reading drew the five of cups for the past, which usually symbolizes deep and painful loss, sometimes depression.  For the present, I drew the five of coins, which indicates a lack of resources, usually being deprived of home and money.  Those two are not a great combination, but are probably accurate enough.  I've struggled with depression for my entire life and it's been difficult over this last week and month.  And although I work very hard at both writing and my day job, the truth is that I don't make enough money to support my family with either, if I was solely responsible.  But for the future, I drew the six of swords, which predicts long-awaited movement and brighter days ahead.

Fingers crossed that last one comes true.  Or maybe not, since that makes it hard to type.  :)

Weekly Update and Tarot: January 19 to 25

Weekly word count: 12 204

Boom.  <mic drop>

Of course, 9516 of those words were written on Friday and Saturday, during my mini writer's retreat, a.k.a. me cashing in my points for a 4 day weekend at a hotel.

I try to do 2-3 writing retreats every year because they make a huge difference in my productivity.  Without the distractions of life (family and paid work), it turns out that I can be amazingly productive in writing.  I wouldn't want to choose to live without my family and I rather like being able to pay my mortgage and buy groceries, so I don't think I'll be saying good-bye to the day job any time soon (plus, I actually like my coworkers and my office).  But it would be pretty cool if I could devote 6 hours a day to writing most weekdays.

I think sometimes parents (especially moms) are put in a difficult position.  There can be a lot of judgment and there's an expectation that the role of parent supersedes any personal dreams or goals.  I actually agree with that.  I think that if someone chooses to be a parent, then that is a verb, not a noun and they need to consider their children as well as themselves.  (This doesn't mean giving everything up for them, or sticking with conventional gender roles.)  However, I don't agree that expressing a desire to fulfill a personal dream is the same as saying that a parent wishes they hadn't had children or that their children are holding them back.  It's expressing a part of themselves that is separate from their obligations to their family.

Someone can be both grateful for having children in their lives and express wistful wishes about paths not taken.  They can love their kids and still need time away.

Going home after a writing retreat is like being plunged back in the deep end of the pool.  There's no bottom and the work to stay afloat begins immediately.  I can get used to it and find time to carve out for myself, but it's not the same as lounging in the shallows and enjoying the sun.  (I may need to take a vacation somewhere warm to counteract the Canadian winter.)

Last week's Tarot cards were the page of Coins, reversed (missed clause), the five of wands reversed (setbacks), and the Fool reversed (unprepared).  Thus far, no overlooked paragraphs in legal documents have come forward to trip me up (knocking on wood because I'm superstitious that way).  Maybe I'll find out later, but for now, I'll hope that I avoided unpleasantness by being careful.  Frankly, it's always good advice to make sure you truly understand the implications of any contract that you sign.

This week's past card was a major arcana, the Devil.  It's usually depicted as a treasure anchored in place with people trying to haul it to an exit.  If they let go, they could walk away at any time and be free, but because the insist on holding on, they are trapped.  (I've seen decks where this card was depicted as an anchor, which I think might be more symbolically appropriate.)  The present card is the four of wands, a time of refuge and recharging.  The four wands hold up the corners of a structure, providing safety and sanctuary for those within.  The future card is the seven of wands, usually showing someone defending the high ground against attack.  The message is to stand firm, that while the individual is under siege, they actually hold the advantage.

So I have one card telling me to let go and one telling me to stand my ground, with a pause in between.  More accurately, they are saying that I have failed to let go when it would have been helpful in the past, but that I should be prepared to defend my position in the future.  That's probably fair, since I have trouble with change and tend to believe I can fix things rather than discarding them.  So I'll be on the lookout for any high ground that I happen to be standing on.

Weekly Update: January 12-18

Weekly word count: 2595

Not much to share this week.  The RWA stuff seems to be getting quieter (except for microaggressions/shouting on the published author boards).  They've put out a call to see who is interested in serving as a Board member/President.

I qualify to volunteer as a Board member, but not as President.  But, to be honest, I'm hesitant to put my name in the ring.  I've pulled back from my volunteering at ORWA because I was finding it stressful.  I don't know that I want to jump into the national level, especially given how difficult it's likely to be.

And yet, I feel guilty for not stepping up, because I do care about making changes and making RWA free of discrimination.  If I can, shouldn't I?  I'll have to do some thinking about it.

This week's Tarot reading was the Page of Coins, reversed, for the past, the five of Staffs, reversed, for the present, and The Fool, reversed, for the future.  All reversed cards, which is always somewhat ominous.  The reversed Page of Coins usually points to a missed clause in a contract or bureaucracy, something that has been overlooked but is going to come back and bite those involved.  The reversed five of Staffs suggests a time of setbacks and being overwhelmed.  And in its reversed position, The Fool is not a card of optimistic trust.  Instead it warns of being unprepared.

Doesn't look like a good week for me, but maybe it's just a warning to be cautious going forward.  The missed clause one causes my legal-minded pessimistic brain to go into overdrive.  There are a number of actual contracts that I depend on these days, not to mention the unwritten social contracts that I sometimes mess up on because I'm not good at understanding what's happening in social situations.

Maybe I'll just put my head down and write.

Weekly Update: January 5-11

Weekly word count: 3012 words

I'm about 3/5 through my second draft of Best Face Forward, with three weeks to go before Carina is due to be at ORWA.  (Though I've been wondering if they might cancel again with all that's been going on at the national level for RWA).

I've been exhausted from the combination of family and professional drama over the holidays.  I want my decorations to come down and to be back in my regular routine.  I want peace and quiet to hear myself think and regain my creative drive.

I'll start the weekly Tarot again next week.  Maybe the cards will have some good news for me.

Weekly Update: December 29 to Jan 4 (My RWA Statement)

Weekly word count: 3297

A pretty good week writing wise (despite the ongoing chaos with RWA national).  I've been focusing on Best Face Forward, which I'm hoping to pitch to Carina when they visit our local chapter in February.  I should have it polished and ready to go.

On Sunday, January 5, our local chapter held a town hall to discuss what has been happening at the national level with RWA.  ORWA will be putting together an official statement so I won't pre-empt that here.

However, I will make the following statement about what my intentions and stance are.

I do not support the Ethics Committee's decision to censure Courtney Milan.  I am deeply troubled by the language and substance of the complaint against her, as well as the apparent deviance from standard procedures.  The current administration of RWA has lost my trust.

That said, I am not giving up without a fight.  I am maintaining my RWA membership in order to have a voice in the restructuring and to continue to fight for diversity and inclusion.  I did not have a submission in the RITA but had signed up to be a RITA judge.  I will not withdraw as a judge, even though I believe the only ethical choice is to cancel the RITAs for this year.

I want RWA to be a safe space for all people, regardless of race, sexual orientation, disability, or any other marginalized identity.  I want it to represent the true best of the romance genre.  And I'm willing to fight to make sure that happens.

However, if RWA can't turn this around and resume moving in the right direction, they will lose me as a member.  I won't be a part of a group which is hateful or which uses their policies to target and silence individuals.  Up until December 23rd, I have genuinely believed that RWA was moving in the right direction.  I hope it is not too late to resume that journey.

It's hard to believe that it has been less than two weeks since the news first broke on Twitter.  There is a lot of speculation out there.  Personally, I don't endorse conspiracy theories.  I don't believe anyone manipulated events to create this result.  Sadly, I believe it is far more likely that this is the result of insular groupthink and overly strong egos who cannot admit when they have made a significant error.  And even worse, racism almost certainly played a strong part in how events played out, whether deliberate or unconscious.

I have nothing but respect for those who have chosen to cancel memberships or withdraw their books or judging from the RITAs.  I also respect those who have chosen to resign from various positions within RWA.  I'm sure t can't have been an easy decision and I'm also sure it was a choice of last resort for many.  I also have respect for those who have chosen to stay and try to make the RWA into what it should be.

Maybe some of the calls online are right and this is a doomed attempt.  Maybe the problems are too ingrained to fight.  But I take heart from historical precedence.  The worst backlashes are the final ones before social change takes permanent hold.  They are a desperate attempt to regain the status quo and have historically pushed the majority into realizing just how bad things are and how much they need to change.  So I hope this is the last failing gasp of those who have used their privilege to actively suppress others.  And if I'm wrong, then I will take what comfort I can from having done all I could to make a difference.

That's where I stand.  Against bigotry.  Against racism.  Against ableism.  Against homophobia and transphobia.  And against anyone who seeks to quash the less privileged down to make themselves feel better.  In the words of Peggy Carter, I'm planting myself like a tree and they can be the ones to move.  

This is my place.  Not theirs.